“It went much deeper than I thought…”

I’m writing these thoughts at the end of a few days away. People close to me could see me, they knew the signs and they plucked up the courage to love me enough to tell me the truth; “Leon, you need to get away, clear your head and do some business with God and with your emotions!”. Don’t you love those kinds of friends?!

Oscar Wilde famously once said, “a true friend stabs you in the front….!!”

It’s been an eventful 21 weeks, my mum died at the start of lockdown and then the world went crazy and for the first time in a long time I’ve felt able to breathe, to listen to my soul and to the voice of God.

I’ve come to realise some things, if I’m honest, some I don’t really want to acknowledge….

Firstly, I am more shallow than I want to admit…..

This season has highlighted how attached I have been to outcomes, to numbers, to achievement, to the “emperor of efficiency”, the ability to control, after all that’s why leaders lead right?!!

Online church has been challenging, at times it felt like a drug (or so I imagine!!) it’s so addictive and yet with it has come the ugly faces of comparison and competition.

I’ve often focused more on what’s been taken away rather than on what continues to be given every single day. I’ve also recognised again parts of my character that aren’t pleasing to me, to God or to those around me….

Yes, this season has gone much deeper than I thought….

Secondly, I am more human than I realised…..

Bilbo Baggins said, “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

Identify with Bilbo anyone? I do for sure…

Emotionally, little time to process grief and loss…mentally, I thought this was a marathon but then realised it’s a triathlon because just as you get used to running someone hands you a bike then warns you there’s also a lake up ahead! Physically, early on I loved the slower pace and the daily walks but bit by bit that slipped away…spiritually, realising I’ve been sipping God with teaspoons rather than swimming in the ocean of His love and grace….hang on…all this just means I’m human right? By the way….so are you!

Be kind to yourself….it’s God kindness that draws us to repentance (Romans 2 v.4)

Yes, this season has gone much deeper than I thought….

Thirdly, Jesus is more wonderful than I imagined….

I’ve met Jesus these days away in some unexpected ways…through rediscovering my love of classical music (yes I’m that cool!!) through the power of holy spaces to slow down and process, through unhurried time to grieve losses and to celebrate life. Through a book called ‘get your life back’ by John Eldredge. In it, Eldredge urges us to take regular one-minute pauses, to practice what he calls benevolent detachment, to get outside and engage with creation because when we do the beauty around us reassures us that goodness is still real in the world.

One of the quotes in the book Jesus used to nail me (in a good way!) says this….

‘The more distracted we are the less present we are to the souls various hurt, needs, disappointments, boredom and fears. It’s a short-term relief with long term consequences.’ (p.47 Get your life back – John Eldredge)

Yes, this season has gone much deeper than I thought…

So, as we all gear up for September I want to encourage and challenge you with these 3 things I’ve been reflecting on for my own life and leadership….

Be conscious…of your emotions, of what lies beneath, of what’s happening on the inside because if you don’t it will leak out.

If you’re a leader I love what Henry Cloud says about the 3 P’s that take hold of our thinking when we don’t like the data or ‘results’ in front of us

It becomes PERSONAL – “it’s all me, I’m such a terrible leader”

It becomes PERVASIVE – “it’s all bad, nothing feels like it’s working”

It becomes PERMANENT – “it’s all hopeless, nothing will ever change”

My mind has been in all 3 of these places sometimes on the same day!

If you identify then guess what, you’re human, you’re not alone but we need to be conscious, we need to read the warning lights on the dashboard so we can pull over and adjust, recalibrate and reconnect.

David expressed it so well in Ps. 139, from the Passion translation…

“God, I invite your searching gaze into my heart. Examine me through and through; find out everything that may be hidden in me. Put me to the test and sift through all my anxious cares. See if there is any path of pain I’m walking on, and lead me back to your glorious everlasting ways – the path that brings me back to you.’ Ps. 139 v.23-24 TPT

Be cautious…about making big pronouncements regarding the future! I’m concerned with those voices making sweeping statements about the future of all things ranging from the way we will shop to the way we will do church. Yes, it will change, it always has and it must but it’s way too early for some of the big statements in my opinion.

Also, be cautious about making big decisions, this is going deeper than we thought….

Be committed…I love what Andy Stanley says about leading through seasons like this, “we can’t provide certainty but we must provide clarity.”

So, let’s be committed to what we can be clear about….to Jesus, to the journey of the soul, to His body…often called His bride…the church, still Gods Plan A for planet earth and with her the mission…we say it like this; to help people find and follow Jesus.

When we fully commit, we let Jesus take us on the adventure He has for us…you never know, it might just take us deeper than we thought….

I finish with a quote from the book which I recommend you get…now!!!

May the son of God, who is already formed in you, grow in you, so that for you he will become immeasurable, and that in you he will become laughter, exultation, the fullness of joy which no one can take from you – Isaac Stella (12^th Century monk and theologian)

Get your life back – John Eldredge